vault-memex/notes/dreams/dreamlog

#journal #dreams

what is the dreamlog

dreamlog is where I keep a written record of all memorable dreams. I believe that I have dreams every night, but that I fail to remember most of them. the “description” part of an entry is meant to convey the experience of the dream that I had, such that another person could read the entry and feel as though they can imagine the first person experience I had. after writing several of these down, it has been my experience that I can still call to mind the imagery generated by the dream when I read my descriptions of it. there is an interesting sparsity of occurrence between events which are memorable enough to write on, which I have no good theory for yet. the interpretation is my best effort at describing what the dream means to me. this is not always obvious or easy to do, so I avoid overly judging my interpretations and just let them rip. I try to indicate how much confidence I have in the interpretation. my goal is to write both sections before doing anything else, as the meaning can sometimes be just as fleeting.

log

[[08-10-26]]

5am

description

two dreams in succession split by waking. the first was [[jim rutt]], who recently died, coming to visit me and tell me everything is going to be alright. I can still see his face clearly from the dream, and he gave me a thumbs up.

the second was about fountain pens. I was holding one, and some tissues, and when I'd touch the nip to the tissue, it was instantly soaked in ink. the tissue looked like it had blots on it already, but there were unused portions where I would touch the nib to and they filled like if you use the paintcan , area fill, in ms paint.

interpretation

I have a recurring theme of being visited by people who've passed, and Jim is the latest one. though previously all the visitors had been people who were very close to me, not distantly, via podcast. and I do have a high level of stress lately for various reasons, so si think this was a helpful visit that I appreciate.

the ink on tissue feels like another positive vision, though less distinct. I am using a lot of AI to work on buildtall.systems lately, and I feel like this is a manifestation of magical outcomes from mundane things. computers bleeding into the real physical world.

[[09-23-25]]

5am

description

I was in a car on a street that seemed like [[3318 briarcourt]]. I was opening the driver's side door to get out, when I saw a young black guy about 30 feet in front of me jump out of his car, a blue car, not too different from my old '80 Delta 88 Royale, and facing me, he started shooting at me. as soon as I noticed him jumping out I reached for my gun, but his shots started hitting the windshield and maybe me. it seemed like he had an old .38 police revolver.

interpretation

There is a lot going on such that this dream is not surprising. [[brian]]'s mom died and I'm going to the visitation today, the day the dream happened. so death and the old neighborhood are on my mind. bbra and I are rewatching [[stranger things]], and Hop has that old .38 revolver, as did Jonathan and Nancy. and it feels rather choppy lately with the Charlie Kirk shooting, lots of emotions.

[[09-21-25]]

unknown time in the morning

description

I was trying to convince [[brett huster|brett]] to make a steam conversion of a semi truck. I kept saying "I know this sounds crazy..."

interpretation

brett made a return due to

[[06-11-25]]

unknown time

description

I was standing in the yard of [[grandpa nilica]]'s trailer home over south of [[union]]. to my right was the trailer, to the left was his hillside and stepped landscaping. grandpa was there laying on his side, propping up his head with his hand and smiling at me.

interpretation

this was one of those dreams that feels like a gift, a visit from the beloved dead

[[04-14-25]]

7:00am

description

there was a lot going on before I can recall what exactly happened, some kind of gathering at what seemed a lot like my parent's house on [[3318 briarcourt]], people who are or were my friends. sara young was there, being a pest. she climbed over the side of the deck and seemed to be hanging by her feet. I was helping her not fall? she was only a few inches above the gravel, and I let go and she dropped and became irate. she ran off. I went inside and found a group of people on the front porch. one guy seemed to be from france or belgium, and I made some dumb joke about french toast that didn't land.

interpretation

the day before we were at my parents' place and celebrating my birthday. I believe the memory of watching videos of my childhood birthdays spurred this on in some way. I was able to keep that context going for a while and understand that I had been dreaming about the party scenario for a while before the initial sara young encounter.

[[03-07-25]]

6:00am

description

brief flashes of imagery. I was driving north on 170 and arrived at a police checkpoint. I was slowing down and pulling up to a PO to my right, but I couldn't make the car come to a complete stop, it keep slowly rolling forward

interpretation

I believe this was related to a slight cramp in my right calf. not certain about that, as it was gone when I woke up. low emotional valence to this dream. seemed like just series of happenings.

[[09-25-24]]

11:00pm

description

just a quick vision while dozing off of a few nuclear submarines with their conning towers sticking up above the water in the ocean. it was not exactly photo-realistic, but slightly cartoonish or videogamelike. they were going around a vortex, the one I was focused on sped up, and the tower started to go under. as it did so, the vertical rudders on the tower bent upward as it went under and eventually went all the way vertical, as thought hey had been broken off

interpretation

the previous evening before bed I was playing [[NES]] for the the kids, one of those games being [[cobra triangle]], which has various submarines among its sprites. I felt like the videogame-like view and subject matter indicated cobra triangle, though the view in my head was not so low res as that, just not exactly photo-realistic.

[[10-18-23]]

4 something am

description

the dream began, maybe, with a nintendo-like view of a map of a river. the river was running north to south, with a curve to the east at the bottom. I was to go to a house to the south east located on the river. there was a party of some sort going on. I was with [[barbara]]. I recall there being many other women there. I remember imagining or seeing a scene of a continuous zoom in and out from the house to a satellite view of the region around the house. in the dream I remembered that I had yelled at barbara about something, and I eventually became aware that she wasn't at the party anymore. I asked one of the unnamed beautiful women where barbara was, and she said barbara had left and wasn't returning. I tried to call her, but another of the women said she wouldn't answer. I felt horrible regret. I woke up, but still felt that same regret. I eventually reminded myself that I was laying in bed and that she was in fact right next to me there, and that we have kids together, that she wouldn't just leave like that.

another dream happened later that morning when actually getting up for the day. that dream felt more like watching a movie about the mafia. there was a big boss who was talking to a henchman, telling him to go on the helicopter across the ocean. he did so, then talked to the boss again who told the guy that he failed, and a goon from behind him shot him in the back of the head and he slumped over. the dream was framed up like a camera shot, such that I saw the killed man's face but not the top of his head.

interpretation

this was the first evening I had taken a pause again. I have some anxiety around my upcoming surgery.

[[09-18-23]]

1pm

description

nodding off in the chair. dreamt I was walking by the creek and slipped on wet grass and mud, actually kicked my legs

[[07-26-23]]

5:33am

description

I was on a hillside, and I knew that there was a river at the bottom of the hill and that it was the [[meramec river]]. I walked purposefully down a gangplank. it was metal, very substantial. similar to ones I've seen on the wharf in downtown st.louis, leading to riverboats. an unknown character, a man, walked past me and down the gangplank until out of sight. when I got closer to the bottom of the gangplank, I could see that it was flooded. it was a similar distance to the bottom as when you come down lafayette in washington, there's a point where you can see if the parking lot is flooded, it felt like that, and that there was a road down there, much like front street, and it was flooded in the dream. so I came back to the top of the gangplank from the beginning of the dream and found that the whole hillside was flooded. this makes little sense, as the hill was quite steep, but the water flowed slowly down it, not rushing like crazy as it would be. I was not aware of this discontinuity in the dream though. I observed from the entrance to the gangplank that I couldn't go anywhere. I felt trapped there, and for some reason called [[dave durnil]]. as I was describing the situation to him the man who initially passed me came back up the plank and jumped down off it into the water, revealing the water to be only 2 inches deep. I believe I was carrying something for dave. I felt embarrassed and then jumped down myself. I can still picture the whitish flat rocks embedded in the hillside, in a matrix of normal dirt, dirt like from around my house, as I jumped down and the water parted over them.

interpretation

I had been watching various youtube videos about disasters at sea, and I believe the anxiety about water was likely fueled by those. barbara is doing her grand jury thing, and it's possible I have some generalized anxiety about that or other matters. could be related my recent efforts to get in shape, which is something I've done in the past and failed at, so perhaps I am thinking about how can I keep going. I should not be afraid to be embarrassed and ask for help.

[[07-21-23]]

6am

description

It was a stream of sensations more than an embodied happening. It was a space that seemed like the living room in our webster groves place. I recall there being a depth to this, as it may have happened multiple times during the night. Tigger and Buddy were in our living room there, and kept being disturbed by something, and I was hearing a sound that I couldn't understand in the dream, but in writing this, I realize it was the sound of the cat door being shoved open by the raccoons. this last time I hung around for a minute, and saw one come out from under a foot rest, and I tried to kick it, but I actually moved my right foot in the bed. in the bed I was laying on my left side, facing off my side of the bed. my foot swiped very quickly and sharply two times, and I shouted, made some noise like "ahhh!", and both the noise and the moving woke me up.

interpretation

Asa had woken up in the middle of the night screaming, and barbara went to help him. I had a train of thoughts about why he was screaming so shrill-ly, which ended with a vision of a raccoon in there attacking him, and that must have stuck with me, along with the anxiety of it.

[[07-15-23]]

2:30am

description

there was much more [[upstream]], but I remember driving an older car, something older than the truck. the family was with me, but I did not specifically see them in the dream, I just knew they were there sitting in their seats. I was waiting to pull out from a side street and it was dark. I believe a light changed, or possibly there was an opening, and I pulled out, but only then realized I didn't have my lights on. I reached out with my left hand to try and turn on the lights by pulling out the knob, or turning it, or something. I fumbled with the \knob and did not get the lights on for a second or two. I was turning left onto a two lane road at a T junction, and as I pulled out and fumbled with the light switch, I overshot the lane I was turning into and ended up on the shoulder on the far side. it seemed like a shoulder in a city, where there must have been a sidewalk and a building or something. I quickly noticed there was an obstruction, a light pole or telephone pole, or maybe one of those control boxes for traffic lights, and in the dream and in real life I said emphatically "noooo!" that is probably what woke me up at such an unusual time. I did not crash in the dream.

there was an interesting situation when I returned to bed after writing this recounting of the dream down. I laid down on the opposite side of my body than from before, and had the thought, after I did so, that this would prevent me from returning to that dream. and immediately following that I sensed that I was sliding back into sleep and that I would re-enter that specific dream. I do not remember if I did or not.

interpretation

I don't normally wake up in the middle of the night like that with dreams that I remember. though thursday night was an interesting one, and I didn't get as much sleep as I normally do, so I could have been recovering from that. also the kids were staying with my parents last night, so that could be impacting this.

[[06-26-23]]

10pm

description

I was sitting in my living room chair by myself with the tv showing something from youtube. I nodded off and had a rapid fire super short dream. I was looking at a fountain pen, looked closer at the nib, and as I was focusing, trying to see the nib, it started to melt, from the tip down to the body of the pen.

interpretation

I had just attended the stl pen show that weekend, got my kaweco sport brass, etc, so pens were on my mind.

[[05-31-23]]

2:30am

description

I was in a house or place that I had some control or expectation over. it was not my current home, just a random place. I believe that I was there with [[barbara]], and that we thought, or I thought, that someone was in that house and I needed to find them. I looked around in various places, closets, dark corners, etc. eventually I was in a coat / shoe area, where I found a footprint. but it was literally something like a cardboard cutout of a footprint.

interpretation

this was our second night back from traveling to [[sedona az]], and I believe that influenced this. it was actually a bit of waking dream, or half awake scenario that went deeper. the drive to find the person was realized as a desire to not fall totally asleep. I bounced off of sleep several times, and believe I was at one or more points semi-conscious during the dream.

[[05-28-23]]

~11pm

description

shortest possible dream. I was going to sleep in the bed at the [[sedona cathedral hideaway]]. my thoughts were moving under their own power, but I was still aware. I saw it arise in a flash, and I was walking on a trail in sedona, and split second later I slipped on a muddy patch of ground next to a large boulder the height of my shoulders. my legs kicked up in the bed, and the dream faded out as I woke myself up.

interpretation

the main activity we did in sedona was walking trails, so those sense memories were present at hand. there was also some minimal amount of anxiety about the coming day of travel back home, which could have caused the slightly negative valence experience to happen.

[[04-03-23]]

6:00am

description

I had a stream of previous dreams, even one I woke from and remember trying to remember (but not write down), which is lost. this dream was longer and much more detailed, but I only remember the last scene. I was in a place I'd call an airport, though it could also have been a shopping mall. I was walking a long distance to find a bathroom, though not urgently. I passed by a cluster of many, maybe 9, booths. they were boxy, but looked very modern in construction, mostly made of clear or tinted glass. they were approximately 8ft tall, and maybe 2 or 3 times as long as they were tall. they were sitting flat on the terazzo flooring. inside were prostitutes, some with customers doing their business, plainly visible as I walked by, some were alone waiting for customers. as I continued to walk I felt disgusted by this public display.

interpretation

I'm not sure where this imagery comes from, though it was quite graphic. yesterday I spoke to [[dave durnil]] for the first time in a while on the telephone, and we had an enjoyable, long conversation. I always think about the very different environment he's in there, with the military. perhaps that is the source of this. I'm less confident about that interpretation, but feel it's related in some way, but that I've missed a turn.

[[03-28-23]]

4:30am

description

I was in a livingroom, though it was larger than usual. there were many people, I am confident that paul gross was there, vance, their wives, and multiple other groups of people. it felt perfectly normal. there was a conversation about baseball players being disappointed about not being able to play baseball, and how disappointed they can get in such situations. it was said as an appeal to some obvious collectively held opinion. there was then a view of a character, a strange character, a middle aged man who was framed up like he was on tv, wearing a fluffy orange sweater with strange features. he was smoking a comically large cigar, with the lit end in his mouth. I can still see it in my mind, and the odd thing is it seems like the cigar is a dog's chew toy, or something made of rubber. I have the sensation that I have seen that character many times. when I woke up there was the signal(?) in my brain that this was one of those potentially repeating dreams [[subthalassanous#recurring dream scenes]]

interpretation

I believe the living room setting to arise from the birthday party we recently held for Ash in which we invited a reptile guy in to do a show. so there was a group of people in our living room for this purpose recently. the strange man character I believe is related to the kid in ash's ATA class who has a large lip. I believe that I had primed myself to be receptive of dreams by reading my dreamlog, leaving it open, and being excited by the thought that I had captured one once I woke up with it. there may be a new cast of repeated dreams and or characters that I'm just not aware of because I so rarely remember my dreams.

[[03-12-23]]

4:50am

description

I awoke incredibly groggy in the middle of a cycle. I have a grasp on the end of the dream, but it felt like there was a lot more that mattered, the emotions and setting were dependent on those previous happenings which are almost entirely gone to me. there was a situation where a female leader, either a queen or president, someone very important, was talking to me about how I helped solve a problem she cared about. I transitioned from that setting into a large internal quiet space like a church. I was climbing into a pew, sliding past people, all of whom I felt familiar with. there was a car horn rhythmicly honking as per a car alarm or panic button. and then a second sound, which sounded like a door closing or similar, but it came rhythmically as well, and synchronized with the horn. all the people I was familiar with noticed and thought it amusing, as did I. I heard in my dream a laugh, which was clearly that of [[shane ryerson]].

interpretation

last night barbara and I were at a trivia night for whitegate school, which was in a space hosted by a church. I assume this is the source of that space. I have no clear intuitions about any of the rest of it. though liminal sounds seem to be a recurring theme lately. also last night was spring forward, daylight savings. perhaps unrelated to that, I felt like I was regularly awakened from deep sleep throughout the night for various unknown reasons.

[[03-04-23]]

in the evening while reading [[piranesi]] in my chair, I was dozing off. I just dreamt the phrase "find out what's going on and surprise me!" in an imperative tone, and it seemed like it was the narrator, piranesi, saying it as a command to himself.

[[03-02-23]]

6:10am

description

I awoke around 6:10am. I had a baby, I don't recall it being asa specifically, but just a baby, and it was crawling along the floor in an environment that felt something like a combination of a grade school and and office building. it was crawling along and I lost track of it at one point then found it. then lost track of it again in an area like a closet or cloak room. then a ghastly figure popped up, pale, longish stringy hair, puffy face, that I believed was the baby, but larger. I don't say "grown up", as I felt like the baby just became that form, and that new form didn't speak or act much different from a baby. the scene changed and I was walking through a lobby of some sort, with terazzo flooring, and smelled something strong. I looked over by an escaltor and saw a soft-serve swirl of poop sitting off to the side. then someone, a janitor, showed up with a broom. he started sweeping the poop towards the escalator, and I saw a brown streak along the floor, and forming on the bristles of the broom. the janitor swept the poop onto the escalator. I said something like "why did they sweep poop onto the escalator?"

interpretation

I have to assume it's happened before, but this is the first time I recall experiencing [[smell]] in a dream. even though it was poop, this is still a gift.

[[03-01-23]]

description

It was around 5:50am when I awoke to [[asa]] for a moment. I was falling back asleep when I had a dream that I was backing my car into the garage and had lined up the passenger side mirror and backed up with that, but hadn't looked at the driver side at all. as I was rolling backwards the car hit the driver's side of the garage and sort of bounced off it like it was a toy, and I immediately woke up.

interpretation

I was talking with [[gary miller]] last night about different types of dreams and how I am journaling mine. I believe the discussion and thinking about these can induce some of them. I've in the past had dreams of driving and running into things, failing to pay proper attention, etc. they do seem to serve the purpose of alerting me to things I should be aware of before something bad happens. a proper level of anxiety.

[[02-27-23]]

description

I woke up around 6:30. I was in my old bedroom on [[3318 briarcourt]], but in bed there. I was trying to talk to someone, struggling to talk, almost yelling. one of those situations where I might have been talking out loud in the room. my sister was in her room, where she used to sleep at briarcourt. I never saw her in the dream, but just knew she was there. there was something different about this one, I had some level of anxiety in the dream. I looked around my old bedroom and saw that the bed wasn't in the middle of the floor but over to the left, and the floor was not blue carpet as it was when I moved out, but was hard wood flooring as it was when I last saw it. then I realized I was laying in bed in my briarcourt room and was dreaming, then I looked again and it was back to the blue carpeting. then I woke and realized I was in at not at my old home on briarcourt, but in my current home in washington. I awoke from my dream within my dream.

interpretation

my sleep was interrupted at 3:30 by a storm blowing in. it had intense rain and very high winds, which I was having a hard time getting back to sleep through. I had some anxiety about whether the [[starlink]] antenna would flip over in the wind, and that I had left my car parked in the driveway and not the garage, and was tempted to go put it in the garage so it wouldn't get hailed on. I think that feeling came through in my dreams. we had visited my parents for dinner, and I believe that kicked in the thinking around briarcourt.

[[02-26-23]]

description

I woke up around 6am with this dream trailing off, and a strong memory of it. I had the thought that it felt like the dream had been running all night. I can recall it back to being in a tallish building in [[kansas city]], on the 3rd or 4th floor perhaps, with Brian (the one I used to live with in [[lawrence, ks]]). we were doing random things in the apartment, and I can only remember back to the point where it was time to leave. I was gathering my things, we made our way down an elevator to the lobby, I recall walking through a lobby of some sort, jostling my coat and other things to keep from dropping stuff. the next moment we were in a park, which had wide open space, cut grass, though it was not as green as it would be in summer, with trees around as well, but the grass went under the trees just fine. I was trying to cross a wide distance, several hundred yards, to get to a group of people. I was in a good mood, and for some reason unknown to me, I was feeling inspired to use various ways of moving to get there. I was switching between rolling (like laying on one's side and rolling down hill), and doing some kind of galloping on my knuckles like a chimp would do. the knuckle gallop felt like there were 3 points of contact, my hands and maybe a knee or something, but it would cause me to rotate around. and I was chugging, surging. it felt positive. I woke up from this scene.

interpretation

I don't have a specific reason why I'd be thinking about Brian or kansas city. I was outside yesterday trimming branches that hang over the driveway, and that landscape around the front of the driveway by the road is about what the park felt like, and I maybe had the same sort of positive feel, with largely effortless exertion there. Brian has a distinctive voice that I can recall even today, which as time passes is gradually merging with the voice of [[mitch hedberg]], but I can say with strange confidence that my memory of his voice was not engaged during this dream.

[[02-20-23]]

description

I had multiple dreams that largely didn't stick with me. one of them was a dialog that felt more like I was listening than participating in, even though I was speaking. I was somewhere not at home, and [[tigger]] was following me. I remarked that he's a good cat, and the other party agreed.

interpretation

the previous day my parents and katie came over for Asa's first birthday party. I was walking with my dad up to the hill top in marvin's pasture and tigger followed us up there. we had the same interaction reflected in the dream. I said he follows us, he's a good cat, and my dad agreed.

[[02-19-23]]

description

I woke up around 5:20 with some Asa crying. I was joining the military, I don't know which branch at first. I was in their office building which ws attached to an airport. I had to do various things, but I couldn't accomplish anything. I failed to sign my name correctly in the right places, I couldn't get anywhere fast enough or on time, I couldn't get in the right lines. I had to ask tons of questions for things that everyone else seemed to know. eventually I woke up as barbara was getting out of bed to take care of Asa, and I remembered the dream very clearly. I didn't feel bad at all about laying back down to sleep more. and indeed, I returned to the same dream after waking. this was not deliberate on my part exactly, but makes sense given how much I was trying to keep it in my mind. the second portion of dream was at a different airport, and I should have been reporting in to a different office there, but I couldn't find it. I also knew that it was the national guard I had joined. still no branch was specified. I asked several people I encountered at the airport where the national guard office was, and they didn't answer, but just looked amusingly disappointed in me.

interpretation

last night barbara and I were watching yellowstone and a character in there was talking about rejoining the navy. this, combined with a conversation I had with barbara about how I was lost with respect to character developments, combined to produce a situation where I was lost about joining the military in my dream.

[[02-18-23]]

description

I awoke at 6:15 with this one. I had many more, and almost couldn't recall it, but I was able to lay with it and not load other external contexts into my mind, and eventually got it back. I was in a white, fully internal hallway with a slightly older man with the distinct male pattern baldness hair cut. I asked him "what do you do here?" he responded "we make standard parts". I asked back "how do you know they're standard?" to which he answered "because we use the standard verification process". which I found funny in the dream.

interpretation

I believe some of the interest in processes comes from my work around storing genotype data. there is a pervasive belief in the quality of QC, but the people who implement QC don't seem to know what's going on.

[[02-13-23]]

description

I woke up around 5:20am with this one. as far back into the dream as I recall I was at my parent's house on [[3318 briarcourt]], where I was being accosted by 5 guys. I believe one of them had a knife, and I may have had my knife out as well, not sure. but they wanted me to go downstairs, then up, then down, etc. around the old house. eventually when we came upstairs into the kitchen, [[barbara]] was there with [[asa]] and I yelled to her "go to bedroom and call the police", where I imagined she'd get the shotgun. as I was saying that, I pushed past the main guy and broke the siege.

interpretation

Yesterday I realized that docker had exposed my database port to the open internet on [[nostr.io]]. I was working frantically all day to try and plug the hole. I believe this is why the motiff of being attacked at my childhood home. another point is that when I told barbara to get the shotgun, I know without it being verbal, it is [[perspectival knowing]], that it was the bedroom of my current house to which I was referring.

[[02-12-23]]

description

I woke up around 5:10am for an unknown reason, probably Asa, and was dropped into the mainline of an ongoing stream of dream events, which I remember being quite deep, but which I only have a handle on the most recent. I was in the back of a car, which was quite large and comfortable inside, it was night, [[vance]] and [[ann]] were there, and for some reason ann was annoyed with us or me. vance wanted to deliver something to the symphony, more like the building than the people. that something to be delivered was a luxury good of some sort, fancy coffee or similar. we stopped at a seemingly abandoned building because we saw or heard something. I heard someone yell "oh god, it's gonna kill her", and we ran up the steps to get inside the building and into its lobby. there was a moment where I was expecting to encounter something dangerous, but never actually saw that thing. in the lobby, I needed to draw my [[pistol]], which was in my belt on my left side, so my normal motion was off, and I couldn't get it to release from the holster, and then I woke up.

interpretation

yesterday was the first dream I'd had and remembered and journaled in a year and a half, and I mentioned it to vance via text. I believe this is what bound him to my dream context. also, last night was when the "fourth" object was described over harve montana, and nostr and twitter were flogging the alien invasion meme. I associate that with an inseen menace.

[[02-11-23]]

description

part of a longer dream, awoke around 3am with this one. I was moving along rooftops of 3-4 story buildings, probably similar to those that I watch the youtuber brickcraft make with the kids, and there was a woman in soviet military garb wearing a cap that's shaped like boat. she had no ill will towards me or my party (I felt like I was traveling with others), but she was turning to the four cardinal directions one by one and firing a single shot up at a 45 degree angle. I was trying to tell her to stop, because the bullets would fall to earth and hurt someone. I was saying "devushka! devushka!" to get her attention as I woke up. I'm not sure if I said it aloud in the room or not, but it felt that way.

interpretation

last week and this week [[barbara]] and I watched [[tarkovsky]]'s [[stalker]] and [[solaris]], and so my brain was bathed in [[russian language]] content, which I believe was why I encountered it in my dream. last night we went out to dinner for barbara's birthday, and we discussed the two movies. I believe that the rifle component came from my reading of [[the passenger]], where I am close to the end and there's a detailed discussion of the rifle used in the kennedy assassination.

[[10-20-21]]

description

I was walking out of a house in the city, it was dark. people were walking by, all going one direction, as though they were leaving a large event. there were interactions that happened in the house, some kind of party I believe, but they are lost now. As I sat in the car, I turned the key and the car cranked, didn’t turn over, and kept cranking even after I let go of the key. I thought that I should turn the key back so it would stop cranking or it would drain the battery. there was some small amount of time that I was thinking what to do before I woke up.

interpretation

we are going to have an open house this coming weekend, and we were concerned whether ada has covid. I believe this anxiety and other issues of getting ready for the open house combined to create this. 

[[04-08-21]]

description

I was sitting on the ground under the maple tree in brian’s backyard, the one behind where I grew up on briarcourt. the ground was made up of light colored silty dirt, and I found a trilobite fossil there. in reality there was not any rock exposed there, but in the dream there was, it was naturally occuring. I picked up one after another pieces, each with one large trilobite or several smaller ones, until I found three pieces.

interpretation

last time I talked to dave madden brian came up and that is still an unresolved issue in my mind. I feel like we drifted apart, and that he’s lost now. 

[[03-30-21]]

description

I was with Brian Oehl, and I believe my current family and we were at a store. I wanted to leave, but everyone was offended that I wanted to leave. there are a lot of specific details that I remembered when I woke up that were lost. we were also in “my room” which felt like a dorm room or small apartment, talking about a disguise both brian and I were going to wear, and I was going to put on the blue costello blazer that my dad had from the arena. 

interpretation

yesterday I talked to dave madden for the first time in a long time. It was very friendly, and at one point he asked if I had any contact with brian. I said no, and he said that brian has  been pu

[[03-29-21]]

description

I was in the backyard of 3318 briarcourt with [[zoey]]. I laid down on the ground by where the railroad ties were laid under the deck, she laid down and curled up with me and said “i’ve been through so much”. at least I knew that she expressed that to me, but I heard it in my mind, but it was as real as anyting else in the dream. the deck was painted grey, the grass was green. I felt warm from her.

interpretation

yesterday when we were looking at an open house, ash said he wanted to get a pet dog. I also wanted a dog when I was young but never did get one. it wasn’t until I was a homeowner that I got zoey. this was a message that I should make it work for ash

[[03-22-21]]

description

there was something like a narration, showing me a map of three mountains that were formed in africa 45 million years ago, in a chain going from west to east, right around where  the ivory coast is. then I saw a structure which was very large, and probably built into a canyon up against the wall. it was faced with light grey stone blocks carved with inscriptions and images, but some of them had fallen away to reveal a core of red bricks. it was shapped like ziggurat on the face that was perpendicular to the canyon wall. on the face that was opposite the wall, it was a veriical face. the narration told me that this structure was built in 1890, though it appeared like something that would have come from ancient babylon or similar.

[[03-21-21]]

description

again much happened before that I can’t recall. I was in a car with shane ryerson, I was driving, and we were just driving around talking. it was very hilly, and there were large wealthy houses around. I was at a stoplight, and as I needed to start driving again, I couldn’t see. it seemed like the back of the driver’s seat which I was in, was actually in front of my face, so it was like i was driving from the back seat. I had to look through a very small field of view. all I could see were hedge rows, and I was always turning full right or full left. I stopped, and decided I’d poke my head out the window to see which way I could go, make a plan for how to get out of there. at that time I saw a helicopter landing uphill from us. there then proceeded an interlude where two smaller helicopters were doing some kind of stunts, attempting to attack the larger copter. one of them did a motion that looked like a front flip or a forward roll, attempting to use its blades to hit the tail of the larger copter. 

interpretation

I usually go for a drive with vance on sundays, but this week I may not be able to due to bbra getting vaccinated. I believe having the trouble maneuvering was symbolic of having trouble making my drive with vance work. I had the thought while writing that the helicopters were doing MMA against one another, but I think that is too post-hoc for this. 

[[03-19-21]]

description

I was at a gun show in eureka, but I don’t recall what it was like at all. afterwards I ran into a guy at a gas station there after having some interaction about our dogs. I had a dog with me. it was of unknown type, but was familiar to me in the dream. the dog kept wanting to run off, and I had to keep it present. I would cajole it and hold it down, and gradually let loose, to show it that if it didn’t struggle I’d relax, but if it tried to run off I'd hold it fast.

interpretation

I believe the eureka gun show notion came from a sign I read a week or two ago. the dog running off felt like an instance of anxiety, and me trying to deal with it.

[[03-18-21]]

description

I was with bbra and the kids, we were outside of a house that we lived at, at night, which I knew was out in the desert in las vegas or similar. the yard had dryish grass. we were watching a movie or tv of some sort. the show was cutting from character to character, and I observed, speaking aloud, that the character who were smoking were dispensing wisdom. bbra was speaking their lines aloud, and I was annoyed by this because I couldn’t hear them. I noticed a helicopter silently maneuvering, but very close. then we saw a light creeping up on us from above, coming down the the driveway. we knew the helicopter was after us, and we got up and started scrambling.

interpretation

I woke up at 8am today, which is crazy. daylight savings just kicked in, and the kids aren’t going to school due to covid test. so I awoke on my own. last night I couldn’t get to sleep until very late, afte 2 or 2:30. I’ve been watching STNG w/ bbra lately, which I believe is the source of the “watching” in the dream. the house location due to our desire to move, and the helicopter is atypical motiff, some manifestaion of anxiety about authority.

[[03-13-21]]

description

I was with barbara, we were trying to take a train to jefferson city. the train was open, possibly a steam strain. we were traveling with another group that I can no longer remember. the crew of the train asked us for more money than we first paid for the tickets after we were on it. the train was going the wrong direction. it left after dinner and was headed towards the city. I was so tired that I couldn’t stay awake. I passed out before we got to st.louis to turn around. barbara was very sad about this. the dream finished the next day as we talked about it waiting for the train to start again. she asked and I didn’t remember where we slept or how, and she was again very sad about this.  there was a lot more detail to this that I knew at first, but has left me since.

interpretation

I was not able to sleep last night because ash was waking up and crying at the exact times that I wanted to go to sleep. I felt unrested all day also, and was very much looking forward to getting some restorative sleep. instead I was up until 2:30 unable to sleep. so that situation was definitely part of this . the train may come from our experience last weekend driving to the grafton ferry and waiting at the dock for it to arrive, only to discover that it was closed for the season.

[[02-23-21]]

description

I was on the front porch of the house I grew up in on [[3318 briarcourt]], at night. there was  an army truck, I believe a flat-bed semi truck, driving perpendicular to the street, driving from between the house to the north of my parents’ house and the next one up, coming from somewhere far away and crossing over briarcourt, headed west, and kept going, and I could hear more trucks coming. the truck had parts of a prison camp on it, walls, towers, etc. I thought that it was cool in the dream, like seeing a fighter jet fly over. there was loud music playing from the truck, like they were listening to the radio, kshe.

interpretation

I have had this dream many times, with a lot of variations. usually different kinds of trucks. very similar to the dreams of planes flying over, I also has the assumption after waking up that my relatives and friends knew about this and I could tell them “another one of those convoys came by last night”. 

[[01-28-21]]

description

I was talking with someone about throwing punches, and they wanted me to wind one up real good and hit them square in the chest. so I did this, reared back and was diligently trying to make the most speed and force come to bear right as my fist hit their chest. at that moment I woke up and realized that I had punched the headboard of the bed square on with my fist. it did not hurt or cause a problem other than just being loud.

[[01-12-21]]

description

I was observing the illinois riverfront from the missouri side, in a building a few stories up. I was with other people doing something like working, but I don’t know what or why. the illinois side seemed like a downtown street, there were tallish office buildings there, but also a part that was dug out, like the quarry just south of the JB bridge on the missouri side. we heard a loud bang, probably a small explosion and saw the river running into the low part. boats and other flotsam was streaming into it. this proceeded for a while.

interpretation

the world is in some kind of crisis lately, and I believe this situation was reflected here. but the distance and isolation from the actual situation also reflects my feelings and hope that I’m moving my family ahead of the nonsense.

[[12-08-20]]

description

I was in a hotel lobby, one with lots of people and “normal” activity. It started with [[vance]] being present, but I no longer recall why or what my interactions with him were. I saw val in there, and talked with her a bit. I don’t recall what we talked about, but it was a pleasant conversation, and I took off across the lobby in socks, “skating” as I went, and did a very deliberate set of cross-overs while powering around a corner.

interpretation

I just joined the AVN, and I think the lobby represents the increased likelihood of running into someone connected w/ vance. also, bbra thought that we’d been ice skating last new year’s eve, but I don’t think we did. so that thought was planted.

[[11-08-20]]

decription

I was in a forested area probably somwhere in the northwest. sitting with [[tim williamson]] at last, and possibly other bayer people, but also with new people. a youngish woman was sitting next to me. I was sitting in a way that allowed rain to land indirectly on my legs, which was pleasing, not bad at all or cold. I was watching the horizon, when I saw an insanely large volcanic eruption kick off. I saw a pressure wave take off and fly out, then a vertical beam of and increasingly large emanations. I said something exclamatory, then jumped up to my feet. it was at that point that I either realized or was told that it was not real, and that it was just a screen we were watching. 

interpretation

I believe that this is a signal to me to take the media less seriously, from my subconscious. the election situation is strange, and it does concern me.

[[10-27-20]] October 27, 2020 

description

I visited the house of the Osterman’s. I was there with other people, walking around inside. I ran into them one by one, and said friendly hellos. There was driving involved. I met Jason and Mark both, but separately. 

interpretation

I’ve been talking to my dad a lot about history, he’s particularly interested in local history lately. 

[[10-13-20]] October 13, 2020 

description

I was with gary at [[joe rogan]] ’s house. it was a normal house that would fit in anywhere in south st.louis. we talked to him, and he was perfectly normal. there was a machine that would shoot out little bags of candy, which he was showing us how it worked, and we got some candy. I believe we were there a few times. in the driveway, I saw two little girls, somewhere between 6 and 8. I believe they were the girls that played a single character on the cosby show. in any case, they were roaming around, and joe came out and then I woke up.

interpretation

I watched a clip of joe talking about new york city, and helped ash put together some legos (the bags of candy were very much the same feel, with small bits inside).

[[08-31-20]]

description

I dreamt about a group of police who were organizaing a collection, they were repeating the phrase “boots for the blind”. there was a lot else to it, but I was able to solidify “boots for the blind” consciously before I fell back asleep, and kept it.

interpretation

the police have literally and figuratively been taking fire lately, a st.louis policeman was killed in the line of duty recently. he was shot on saturday, but died of his wounds last night right befoe I went to sleep. I believe those images were what my brain was sorting.

[[08-20-20]]

description

it was another long and involved dream. I was on a large vessel, not sure what or the circumstances. there was a large room with windows on all sides, we were in the water somewhere near land, maybe on a lake. I believed that we were in [[russia]]. I recall looking out the window and seeing a massive pall of smoke, similar to the lebanon blast before it exploded. I knew there would be a blast wave arriving. I braced for the blast wave, moved away from the windows. I no longer recall if it actually landed or not.

interpretation

the blast in lebanon happened a few weeks ago, so it makes sense that it’s something loaded into my memory. 

[[08-18-20]]

description

a long, involved dream that I woke up from at 3:44am. I recalled feeling as though I had had the identical dream previously. it was a situation where bbra was going into outerspace for some reason, and she had a bunch of stuff to do, and things she couldn’t do, before going, and I felt like I was imposing on her. I had a lot of anxiety about abandonment in the dream. there was an aspect of it where she was wearing a body stocking and I wasn’t supposed to ask about it, which also made me anxious. 

interpretation

I don’t feel like this was a direct 1:1 dream to real life situation, but rather, some more generic anxiety coming out. I talked to bbra about family stuff a lot last night before she went to bed, so she was on my mind. I have had dreams like this, not just this one itself, but others involving being separated in the past. they could be a sort of blind spot check that happens every so often to remind me that thing can happen and I should think about it.

[[08-16-20]]

description

Amid a larger dream which I don’t recall enough to detail, I was going from one place to another. I was in a car, went down a steep hill. at the bottom and inside, there was a gathering. I saw [[josh mcmichael]] sitting with a group of people. I walked up to him, around the side of the table he was at, and asked him if he still felt the same, and I communicated that I was open to him changing his mind. I don’t recall the exact words that were used, but it was understood clearly. he responded that he had not changed his mind, but that he too was open to me changing my mind. I laughed at this, and walked away, the dream continuing.

interpretation

Since seeing Josh and Chris and others last Thanksgiving time, I joined the [[gamesjimmade]] slack, and tried to be in communication there, to figure out how to interact with josh. the whole thing ended up being a terrible waste of time. they are the lowest type of ideologues, with josh being literally insane. he ended up calling me a racist and a fascist, which is exactly how he describes everyone who isn’t a literal communist. so last night I was looking at twitter, seeing various clashes in the streets, and thinking how crazy josh is for being supporting random political violence.

[[08-13-20]]

description

I was in a room with a bunch of people. There was some kind of party or gathering going on. There were envelopes given to people who were sitting a specific places in the room. the one I sat at had denoted some specific property which included access to the “levee district” and “barge district”. it was property on the river. I was carrying a gun, and realized that I was constantly flashing it around, but no one said a word to me about it. at the end of the dream I apologized to one guy who I was flashing it around and tried to stick the gun in the back of my pants. there were many more aspectss and details that I don’t remember. 

interpretation

We’ve been talking about moving to Washington, MO, or at least in the vicinity of. I believe that is what got me thinking about levee’s and barges. I am also greatly looking forward to going to Randall’s tonight, and believe that is what spawned the whole party and atmosphere. my mood has been improved and things feeling good due to the kids testing negative for covid. that may also include why being in a party among lots of people felt so entertaining.

[[08-12-20]]

description

I was walking around a conference in a normal seeming but unknown location. I was among some number of people that I knew. The action progressed across several locations. at one point, two women entered our conversation between talks. they were on opposing sides of me. one stood beside me and did something odd to stand over me. one had a lot of visible skin and had a tattoo, in yellowish orange print, of a SQL query going down her side. I couldn’t read it directly, I just knew that’s what it was. the action moved on, and I had the sense that my wallet was missing. I was nervous that I had misplaced it, then I become suspicious that the women had conspired to distract me and take my wallet. I came across them in a setting that seemed almost like church pews. I then moved behind them and asked them to stand up, seeing that they had several bags on the seat, and looked through their things attempting to find my wallet. at this point I woke up. there was definitely details lost around what the conference was about, things that happened before the conversation with the women started.

interpretation

I had some general anxiety. specifically I have a talk to give to the technology users group of bayer this morning at 8am. it’s not that anxiety inducing really, just something that was on my mind. I also had other legal concerns bouncing around in my head before falling asleep so that could have also impacted. 

[[06-14-20]]

description

I was in the basement, but it wasn’t the basement on chestnut ave. it was more like vance’s basement or the basement at briarcourt, in that it had a large area behind a door. I knew that there was a possum behind that door. I opened it, looked around, waiting for it to reveal itself, then it made a break for the door and I attempted to slam the door shut before it could get into the other part of the basement.

interpretation

I am confident that the droppings in the garage come from possums, and I have a low level urgency to get them exterminated. 

[[01-27-20]]

description

I was at a place of high heights, which was near a large inland freshwater lake. my family was there. we were at a visitor center, and looking down a cliff at the shore below, with very clear water. we saw a sea lion swimming in the water.  it looked to be very long and snake like, perhaps 10 feet long and able to bend back on itself. I commented about this being the origin of lake monster stories and my dad agreed. then a sea lion came up from the shore and walked along a trough that was built by the visitor center to be fed, right in front of where we were standing. 

interpretation

katie just told me that she had written down her first dream, and this had me specifically excited to remember my dreams again. I drove through lone elk park yesterday w/ vance which could be the source of the inland lake.

[[01-06-20]]

description

I was standing outside near a car, and I knew it was Josh Peck in the car. He got out of the car and I immediately began drilling some bjj with him. 

interpretation

I have been on the MGI slack lately, which is why these old characters are on my mind, and tonight is the first time back to bjj in a few weeks. 

[[12-21-19]]

description

I was with my parents and kids, and we were playing a video game from a playstation or xbox. There was a game similar to twisted metal that we were all playing. I was wrapped up in the mechanics of the game, feeling slow. I did well though. there were options like heavy bombs, machine gun, and something else. the bombs were the slowest, but most damaging weapon. I awoke after a perfectly placed shot with a bomb to take out one of my family, and everyone was delighted.

interpretation

There was a discussion at work about how someone called the “X” button on the playstation or xbox controller a “cross” rather than an “ex”. I explained that in the UK tic-tac-toe is called “naughts and crosses”. 

[[11-07-19]]

description

I was at grandma long’s house looking out the front window at the parking spot. I saw my 2014 CX-5 parked, another car I didn’t recognize was there, plus two adult men and a young boy, maybe 9 or 10. the boy walked up to the driver’s side of my mazda and ran his fingers over the lug nuts, unscrewing them instantly and popped the tire off. the motion was effortless, like he was playing, and he popped it right back on. I was immediately annoyed in the dream. So I walked outside to talk to them, and gain some control of the situation. I asked them if I could help them, if they wanted anything that I had soda, chips, other stuff… and one of the men asked if I had ____ waffers. the blank was not actually spoken, but understood by me to be some kind of diet food, to which I said I see if I had something similar. then I woke up to the alarm.

interpretation

I was over at grandma long’s house two weeks ago to help sort through things, and they had soda, chips, and pizza. I looked out the window in question. My mazda, which I am driving now, needs an oil change very soon, and I’ve been thinking about how I should get the tires rotated. I think that mild anxiety came out.

[[11-05-19]]

description

just as I was waking up in the morning I saw a rook moving from the region of G2 across to towards A or B, which opened the queen to move forward to an outpost from where she would strike diagonally. the view was mostly similar to lichess.org 

interpretation

on the move. I think this is a positive dream signaling that I am making moves to improve my outlook, making positive plans to improve my situation. this was also a dream that came after I took the advice of someone who suggested that I ask for dreams. that was something I’d tried before, but here I am again, asking for more dreams and more guidance. 

[[09-25-19]]

description

I was sitting on the couch at the [[kenridge house]] with [[ash]]. we heard something and looked out the front window. we heard a helicopter coming down very low in our neighborhood. the sound in the dream was extremely vivid and loud. I could hear it in my mind immediately after waking, which happened around 4:30am or so. it happened pretty quickly, we hear the sound and the helicopter came down and crashed on kenridge about 3 houses up from ours. it was a standard traffic copter type. Ash saw it too. 

interpretation

this is a wednesday morning, but on monday evening I took the kids to froyo and we saw a medivac copter fly over. I believe this imagery was present in my mind to supply the dream. the presence of the kids, the copter, the watching, all were present. I don’t have any deeper analysis on the recurrence of air crashes in my dreams. the most striking detail of this dream in the moment was the vivid, loud sound I heard as though it were a soundtrack in my head of the helicopter struggling and then crashing.

[[09-08-19]]

description

I was at an apartment or house of someone in new york city. part of a group of people. bits and pieecs that I can’t remember. one symbol cameup, which showed a part of me waking up: my pistol laying on the floor. 

interpretation

I was waking up in the morning already, and had a part of my brain coming online which was concerned with whether or not I should get up. the symbol of the pistol laying on the floor is a sign of my terrible abdication of responsibility, that a gun in my possesion would fall out of my holster and be laying on the floor without me knowing it.

[[08-27-19]]

description

as the alarm started going off,, I heard ash speaking in a friendly way  “hey, that’s goo gaar”, and it sounded like he was talking with his mouth full.

interpretation

bbra and the kids are traveling to minnesota, but I am staying here at the house. the house is empty except for them, and so I deeply feel their absence. I’m not upset or anything, just noticing it, and so I think the pattern my brain was searching for but not finding yesterday was the family.

[[07-04-19]]

description

I was going about a normal day, wihch seemed to be in and around military bases, with jocko wiliink. he would ask me for suggestions at certain points, and then be delighted with my responses, or tell me that they were not great ideas. one was pilots taking off from runways while under fire. I suggested tactical driving for pilots, but with their planes. there were several turns of this banter arond different topics, but I can only remember the one about tactical driving for pilots.

interpretation

I was talking to dave late at night, and this is clearly a direct result of that. we discussed our upcoming trip to steamboat springs

[[06-09-19]]

description

I was sitting in a large bar/restaurant with vance. we had just left something else important. there were a bunch of people excited about a common goal, something to do with kazoos. we were just checking into a table, and a girl walked by bumping into me, and I made a clever remark. she said that a slip of paper with her number would be attached to her elbow in 10 steps. i assumed she meant lsd, but it turned out to be her phone number. I silently took it and went back to the table with vance. then it became clear that we were to use kazoos at the bar. on tv there were people with micheal jackson on some peformance show, using the kazoos. the last thing I remember about it was that someone was using an accordian to pump air into the kazoo, making it work.

interpretation

yesterday I was watching the bublicki video before bed. also, we went to my parents place and bbra asked me to play some of their music to show my parents how the kids dance like crazy to it. additionally, I was talking to bbra about how I’m going to watch game 6 of the stanley cup finals with my dad at greg’s, and I was mentioning that if it’s on cable, we can’t watch it because we’re not going to go to  a bar or something.

[[06-02-19]]

description

waking up side of sleep. this was barely the tip of the iceberg. I was driving a car in a wide open area, which still had roads. the roads were gravel or dirt. I was going backwards, and did a bootlegger turn, going from driving backwards to driving forwards, as I was going around a large roundabout with other cars also driving there. then I was in a strange cave-like room, which was surprisingly well let. it was my goal to enter one of the side rooms, evade my guide, and turn back, leaving the room, without the guide knowing. I had a very clear understanding that I was going to encounter someone while doing this, and that I should pretend like I didn’t see them, or didn’t care that I saw them, and keep going. on my way out of the main room, after ditching my guide, I saw someone in a wolf-man mask, and as I walked by them, when I got closest to them, I made some kind of grunt at them. 

[[05-25-19]]

description

as I was falling asleep last night, I had a quick vision of being the pall bearer for [[grandma Long]], and she sat up, in an incorporeal form, not her actual body, as it was not alarming at all, and put her hands on mine and thanked me. I merely received her thanks, I didn't hear any specific words spoken. 

interpretation

I believe this vision happened since yesterday was the day that I was a pall bearer in her service. we started the day at kutis funeral home on Gravois and Laclede for a private family only visitation. the bearers loaded her onto the hearse, to take her to st. Dominic savio, for a memorial service. as I was with grandpa, I stood at the front left, the door side. we had 4 interactions with the casket, which was open in the morning but was closed and remained closed for the rest of the day. 

[[05-16-19]]

description

I was trying to eat at a restaurant. I had knitting needles with me, and a dark grey / green yarn that was tangled up. I was trying periodically to untangle it. I kept getting shuffled from place to place as the waitstaff tried to seat me. eventually I ended up at a table with 4 other guys I didn’t know. Then the last attempt was a seat where I was fully isolated, but it was weird, it was not really a table. it was like the side of the bar or something. I wasn’t excited about it. I never got the yarn untangled.  I was awoken by the alarm for the first time in a while.

interpretation

bbra and I were making plans for our anniversary, and we decided to go to vin de cet. it wasn’t a contentious decision, it went smoothly and we made reservations. I think the yarn connects me to her, but I don’t yet know what the frustration about being seated was about. 

[[04-29-19]]

description

I triangled my wife

I was talking to bbra about jiu-jitsu, my patents were around. I believe that there was  tv show being filmed about my study of bjj and showing bbra. my dad said that I triangled my wife, and I was disappointed because he had seen an episode that hadn’t been filmed yet, it was a spoiler.

I had a puppy

description

I was with a group of people, again it was probably my parents and my wife and kids. we had a little black puppy, which was very similar to the one that dave had when we lived in lawrence ks. we were driving around in a large vehicle, stopping in various parking lots, some with the grey rock and white dust of gravel parking lots, one with red dust and rock, which was muddy. the little dog leapt out and ran up to an apartment building. it had a single flat front surface, but was two stories tall. the dog ran up to the second story and went inside. but the way he went in was not apparent to me. I could see the dog inside the window on the second floor. the face of the building was smooth stone, and the window was an elaborate shape of some sort. it seemed like the dog was swimming around inside the window, and he made a strange face to me, which made me think he was a baby and not a dog. a woman came out of the first floor and got him back for me. I had a strange vision of him swimming around on the second floor, making the face, and looking like he was pale and dead, but still moving around. but I got him back and we drove on to some other parking lot. he leapt out there too, and I went and got him. when I found him, I teased the little dog, laying him on his side and riled him up. he had tiny needle teeth that he couldn’t quit nip at me with, and he growled and played as a teased him.

[[04-11-19]]

description

awoke to the alarm, which I believe allowed me to remember. I was outside at the airport, though nothing about the scenery I can picture is like the st.louis airport. there was a runway crowded with people on either side. cars were also driving along the runway, which started from downhill. at some point a white plane landed, which looked roughly like a 737. it came up hill and after getting to the top, where my perspective was, it didn’t slow down enough, but did slow down a lot, it ran into the side of  the terminal, which was at least 5 stories tall. I saw the plane come apart into sections and pile up outside the terminal. it had fuel on board and burst into flames after a few seconds. people from inside the terminal were pulling people in to get away from the flames, almost like it was a truck loading dock.

interpretation

the airplane crash motif is one that has followed me for a long time. I don’t yet have a connection. there could be some association with anxiety, which I am feeling recently due to the slipping delivery date for the imputation project. 

[[03-25-19]]

description

walking around a cave like area, but the formations are all made of dirt. water starts to flow from swelling streams and washes away the dirt formations, which cracks and flows away. 

description

there was a second dream, from just before waking up that I had which I can no longer remember. I encountered Ash when I came down then got distracted when opening my laptop to record the dreams.

[[03-24-19]]

description

I woke up around 6:50am, remembering that I had been dreaming, but without a concrete memory of the actual dream. I remember remembering that the dream was about Joe Rogan being the head of a massive Jiu-Jitsu gym and announcing that he would be retiring and that he had selected his successor. there was a side-bar in my mind about genetic purity, which seemed to recapitulate the utility of inbreds in maize breeding. the images that flash through my mind when I replay the memory of my memory are mostly views of JRE on youtube.

interpretation

before going to bed I was talking to dave on the phone and he showed me a video of John Danaher on JRE. I very much enjoyed the video and wrote a short bit about collecting a pantheon of BJJ characters which includes both Joe Rogan and John Danaher. I think that genuine impression and joy at finding the depths and power of the BJJ pantheon settled in my brain. I was up pretty late to watch that video, and so I went right to bed after that.

[[03-19-19]]

description

I dreamt about the number 10^99. I was in a group of people, and said to them that the number was called “nonillion”. 

interpretation

the group environment felt like something that would happen at work, at Bayer. I know the name is not correct, but I don’t think I knew in the dream. I went to look up the correct answer, and it is duotrigintillion.

[[03-17-19]]

description

i was sitting at a table, across from someone prestigious. in the dream the name was known and interesting to me. we were watching a video of something being explained, relevant to the individual’s fame. our location was outside but with nearby buildings obscuring the horizon. they were only 10 or so feet from the table we sat at. I looked up and noticed a large military transport plane landing, but then realized that it was a vtol. it was off to the right of us, and hovered. the plane was unpainted, so it had the silvery aluminum look, but with the star and bar painted on the side. it came down and landed on the ground not far from where we were. as it settled on the ground, I expected something bad to happen, and it did. the plane shuddered and started to gallop. it then flipped up in the air, from the right of us, to directly behind the person I was sitting across, and crashed in a big fireball.

interpretation

I have recurring dreams occasionally about plane crashes. usually something goes wrong. but it usually starts out with me looking at the plane for a while, then realizing that something is going to go wrong, and it slowly does, and then catastrophically it falls apart. it always happens in an outdoor space, which is unique for my dreams. it may just be that the detail of indoor or outdoor is something that never gets resolved. 

[[03-15-19]]

description

I was with my parents at their house. the house had a similar feeling layout to the one they live in now, but felt “older”. it was located a few blocks away from my house (where Barbara and the kids were), but my house felt like it was on Briarcourt dr. My mom and dad were there, and I found a bunch of clear gummy bears that I was excited to find. they helped me gather them up and put them back in a clear plastic tray. [[Zoey]] was running around. she was old and grunting happily. we were in the lower level and went up the stairs. I had a few of the gummies. it was a Friday evening. then it was later on in the weekend, perhaps Sunday, and I was thinking that I had too many of the gummies, but that it was still ok. my parents were in a good mood. 

interpretation

last night was a Thursday night that I took a pause on. I believe that influenced the fact that I remembered the dream at all, and that it included gummies. I had also just invited my parents and sister over to our place on Sunday for dinner which seemed to make everyone happy. then my parents texted me randomly about pi day.  I think when my parents are happy to interact with me, that makes me feel good. when I feel good enough, Zoey turns up in my dreams. her visits are still one of the best things that happens to me. I felt really positive that she was with my parents in the dream, it felt like she was being taken care of, like she was home. 

[[03-06-19]]

description:

I saw a vision of what seemed like a weather map pf the lower 48. there was a v shape opening to the east, with its base in southern California.

I have no interpretation of this. it occurred while I was falling asleep last night, and I was able to remember it. 

[[03-05-19]]

description

I was in a bar which was fairly small, at least the parts in my field of view had walls within 10 feet or so, and it was fairly dark. the atmosphere was friendly though. a man who looked like alex jones sat at one of the tables. as I entered, we exchanged some friendly words and he continued his spiel. I sat at the table and eventually got up and get a sprig of some plant from a planter near the window. I decided that I wanted to compliment him and waited for an opening in the conversation.

interpretation

I was watching a mashup video of alex jones on rogan talking about his crazy inter-dimensional forces, which was inter-cut with clips of elon musk talking about the simulation hypothesis etc. I believe this dream was a reflection of the pity that I feel for jones. I think he is literally crazy, and fairly dangerous, but at the same time he is broken in a way that renders him not responsible for his actions, he is a crazy child. 

description

I was in a gas station/quickie mart which was on or near the ocean. it was being flooded and gradually destroyed. I needed to escape, but wasn’t worried about rushing or a risk to my life. 

interpretation

the lack of emotional worry about the mart being taken away by the sea feels like a nice level of maturity philosophically. I was journaling before going to bed, and I was reflecting on the impact that philosophy has had on my life and what I would like it to have, and I believe this was a vision of what things could be like. life inevitably brings flood and destruction, but I can rationally understand this and make the most of my life.

[[02-15-19]]

description

I was walking around in a very large grocery store, which was more like a multi-floor department store with food. I had a bag and picked up some cheeses and other foods. I was then looking for an adjacent apartment. someone lived in an apartment that had a door from inside the store. it may have been Julie, I don’t recall exactly. I walked up front around the registers, and realized that with the food in bags already, I could just walk right out of the place without paying. for an unknown reason, I did this. I walked to front of the store where the entrance to the apartment was but found that it had been remodeled into another section of the store. I walked into it and there was a large open floor with stuff arrayed around like a department store. 

interpretation

yesterday was valentine’s day, and the day before that I went to the hardware store to get Ada a succulent plant. this may account for the wandering through a store. as for not paying, I have been avoiding expenses a lot lately, trying to keep on budget. it seems reasonable that this urge expressed itself in the imagery of theft, which perhaps I should take as a warning from my depths to not take thrift too far. don’t turn thrift into theft. though it should be noted that there were no consequences to my theft in the dream.

[[02-07-19]]

description

I was part of a business deal with at least 2 other guys, who I can’t picture very well, but seemed older than me, who were on my side of the deal, but the other side was no visible. I was trying to help by finding the right words to use. I added something which seemed to result in closing the deal.  a bit later I was given a slip of paper that represented my interest in the deal, it had “25%” written on it. When I saw it I was very happy with it. I then learned that the total amount of profits that I was to take 25% of was $30,000,000. I folded up the paper into small squares and put it somewhere. then i became worried that folding it was not wise, and when I went back to look at it I unfolded it, and in the process realized that the paper was starting to fall apart, with some of the printing falling off. I was still confident that i could get another copy or that this copy would be accepted, but I was concerned.

interpretation

In writing the description it occurred to me that this is similar to the work going on recently of putting in our submission to the Bayer Digital Innovation award. Nathan, Tim, and I are all trying to find the right words for the script to the video submission to the competition. I believe this dream is a manifestation of that effort. The symbolism of the paper being folded and the print fading, I believe is around the results being so distant in both time and space, and that the benefit of having the larger Bayer team is something we could take advantage of, but we would need to really focus on how that PR bump would actually do something concrete for us. 

description

I was laying on a bed with my old dog Zoey. She was laying on her side relaxed. I was petting her in a way that made her bounce a little. I heard a giggling sound that was ash’s way of laughing. I felt very happy. 

interpretation

the day before I was playing with Ash when I came home from work by pressing my hand on his chest rhythmically while he droned a sound, which caused his voice to flutter in an amusing way, such that he would keep going and didn’t want me to step. I think that’s the petting. And a day or so ago, Ash and Ada were cracking each other up, causing him to giggle maniacally, and that exact sound is what I heard, what seemed to be coming from me, while petting zoey.

I feel particularly blessed when zoey appears in my dreams, like she came to visit me. 

[[02-06-19]]

description

I was sitting in a hotel room. it was mostly beige in my mind’s eye. bbra was there, and I tihink the kids were in the building, but not in the room. I was sitting in chair off to the side, the room seemed very large. there were two doors to the room, one to the right, if you’re standing looking at the bed, and on opposite the wall that the bed was on, which was pretty far away, not as close as you’d expect from a normal hotel room. bbra left out the usual positioned door, and I got up and was trying to move to close the door, but couldn’t move very quickly. I was busily and annoyedly moving from trying to close that door, when I noticed a man enter the room on his way somewhere else from the other door. I was again very annoyed. he passed through the room, and the rest of the dream was me struggling to close the doors, bouncing between them in slow dream ineffective movement.

interpretation

I had an interaction the prior evening w/ bbra where I was annoyed at her leaving random stuff on the counter. I was rude about it, and later apologized. the dream incorporates my pre-apology annoyance, but not my realization that I was rude. I choose now to take it as a warning that I should not forget that inside my emotional response to forgetting to clean is not going to change, and that it is not acceptable. I will always need to be aware of it, and control it.

[[02-04-19]]

description

I was either at work or using my work computer to show a presentation to a small group which included vance and ann. I went to switch slides or perhaps even swipe to another screen, when it landed on extremely graphic pornography. I was intensely embarrassed and attempted to hit cmd+q as quickly as possible or switch off that screen but I couldn’t react fast enough. it wasn’t until a few seconds after I failed to react that they noticed what was there. 

interpretation

the pause between the porn being visible and them realizing what it was feels, at least now as I write this the next morning, like an observation that I have time to correct the situation, but that it needs to be my initiative, and not reactionary. I should seize control of this aspect of my life and apply the same discipline I do to eating and working out. 

[[02-03-19]]

description

while falling asleep around 11:30pm on a Saturday evening, I had a dream. I was not in a deep sleep, but just barely drifting off. I had the image of a very large excavator on a flatbed truck, being transported by road. the excavator hung over the sides of the trailer, and had it’s arm tucked up, as they do. the truck was negotiating a left turn through some nondescript intersection which had various jutting curbs that made it difficult. there were also low hanging power lines around which I did not “see” but knew they were there and a concern. I had the sense that this was very tricky, but that I was the only one who could see a path through the intersection and get the truck on its way. I didn’t wake up from this, as I wasn’t really sleeping, but just snapped out of it. I had a sense of happiness and connection with my soul. I have been longing for good dreams to analyze, and this felt like a gift, to receive something so concrete and positive. 

interpretation

yesterday during my walk a pickup truck towing a flatbed type trailer was making a left turn from Selma onto Park, just as I was approaching that corner, walking up Park towards Selma. the turn was cut so that I had to stop and wait for them to pass, as it was not obvious that they would clear the curbs on the side I was walking on. it seems likely that this left an impression in my mind that resurfaced in my dream. however, the context was larger. my mind pulled in other things in my life and applied this symbol to it. it seems as though the intersection in my mind that the truck and excavator were turning through was Lindbergh and Manchester, and the truck was driving south on Lindbergh turning left (east) onto Manchester. I associate this intersection with my daily commute. at work I am in the middle of delivering the largest project of our team’s history, the bulk imputation work, to generate probabilistic genotypes for all maize inventory. this work is extremely difficult, and we run into all manner of unexpected barriers, which require an amazing amount of coordination to get through. my sense was that inside me there is a growing strand that is excited and optimistic by this work and our looming outcome. I see myself as the one who is on the ground, threading the needing, getting this massive cargo through the narrow passage, birthing it into reality. 

[[01-19-19]]

description

this is a report from 1-2 days after the dream. breaking apart dried mud. it cracks open and bursts into crumbles in smaller areas that were compressed. context, set and setting are unknown. I feel as though I am stooping over a bend in a river or similar. as the dirt crumbles away I perceive an arrowhead revealed by the falling crumbles.

interpretation

I’ve been thinking a lot about arrowheads lately, and determined to find some. it occurred to me that the creek I suggested Vance walk along is a good candidate for this. this thought sparked my memory of the dream, which occurred 1-2 days ago. I then realized I should write this dream recall link down so it can be considered. 

also a few days ago: I slowed down the pace of boating, as things taper off.

---

January 17,  2019  stopping

just before thanksgiving starting

---

[[11-04-18]]

description

I was helping to clean up after a meal at my grandparent’s house, the Longs. grandpa long was still alive, and the center of the cleaning efforts. there was a small end table next to where grandma sits now, with a drawer in it. I opened the drawer and placed what I believe to be silverware in it. as I closed the drawer, some stuff which was already in the drawer fell out behind the end table, as there was no back to the drawer. grandpa was annoyed at me for this, and scolded me. I don’t recall his exact words, but they just communicated annoyance, at me.

interpretation

grandpa long was almost always very kind to us. I’m certain he’s been as annoyed with me as he was in the dream, as i stayed over there many times and spent plenty of time with them. as I considered the dream while laying in bed, my thoughts went to how I should work on being less angry with my family, that everyone remembers grandpa with great fondness and love, and that I would also like to be beloved by my progeny. I was disappointed that my dream had him expressing negative emotions at me, but now that I think about it more, I just feel fortunate to be visited by my ancestor, and for him to deliver a meaningful message that I am fortunate enough to record here.

[[10-27-18]]

description

lots of preceding action, but I was in a pool, not sure which one, with my parents around and a bunch of people from CAPS. Brett was there, and was casually fixing something in the pool with a wire, and asked if I would get out of the pool. I said “thou shalt get out of the pool” in a biblical, authoritative sounding voice, and everyone laughed and laughed, as though it were a good joke and fit in with a previous turn of the conversation.

interpretation

my dad keeps mentioning how brett may leave the company, and yesterday I had lunch with bob lehmann who is also considering leaving. I believe that this got me on the topic, and it brought brett into the dream. 

[[10-17-18]]

description

I was in an apartment of Julie Kelly, the conservative pundit. again, there was a deeper narrative stream to this dream that I no longer have access to. I think I was there with a larger group of people. I bumped into a picture frame on an end table, knocking it flat, shattering the glass in it. I proceeded to pick up all the shards of glass and put them in my mouth. I walked around for a while with them in my mouth, looking or a place to get rid of them, and I finally spit them into the toilet.

interpretation

I’m not super confident that I have a good idea of what’s going on with this one. the night before, bbra’s macbook air got cracked in the black plastic area around the hinge between the lid and the body, and we went back and forth about how to fix it. I was initially concerned about the screen being cracked, but it was not. we did have an argument about how to fix it, where bbra wanted to use electrical tape and I suggested super glue, but she was afraid to use the super glue.

[[10-14-18]]

description

again, I only remember events in medias res. I was doing something where I was drawing designs or writing, on paper. Jeff Melching appeared looking exhausted and dressed as though he had just finished a pick up basketball session. I was happy to see him, and he made a comment about what I was doing, which I remembered immediately after waking up but no longer. I made a joke back to him, that I had drawn the same map and reduce stages 20 times. by stages in this case, I mean literally boxes with the conceptual label on them, linked by arrows. 

interpretation

the day before I was trying to get my old ubuntu laptop to work, which reminded me that I used to use it to test hadoop stuff on. I had a hadoop user and everything setup on that machine. I also found an old deck with a powerpoint presentation on hadoop at mondanto that I presented at a sales thing setup by cloudera. amur adwalla was present at that event. 

[[10-04-18]]

6:45am

description

Again there was a great bit more detail and events that I can remember happening, but cannot recall the specifics of. the first concrete portion I remember was me approaching my maroon 1987 delta 88. it had bits of snow and ice on it, then I realized that the driver’s seat was encrusted with ice and snow. I checked around, had the sinking feeling that I must have left the driver side window down a bit. i visually confirmed this and thought “oh man”. I was attempting to deal with that when I saw another scene, which it was unclear how I was physically connected to it, where my dad was standing with a bunch of different men in business suits. I don’t recall ever actually seeing my dad’s face, just that I knew he was one of these men standing. another of the men began harassing my dad, pretending to kiss him and making strange gestures, so I approached and angrily shoved that man’s shoulder. that man had circular glasses, and he spun around as I shoved him. I yelled something at him and went back for another shove, and then I woke up in a flurry of anger and feeling like I was trying to talk but couldn’t.

interpretation

I had a long involved conversation with barbara last night. I felt somewhat blame worthy in over-judging a point we were discussing, since it made her feel bad. the ice seems like a symbol of that. I also was listening to one of sam harris’s podcasts where he had bill maher and the guy who directed the borat and bruno movies. that guy described their process of accosting people with the bruno character,  harassing them, and then having to escape from time to time when people got angry with them. I felt pretty surprised that these people were all ok with the concept of sexually harassing men to the point of humiliation. I think that feeling worked into my dream in that scene with my dad, 

audio log [[audio/talking/Oct_4_2018_07_38_53.amr.mp3]]

[[09-26-18]]

description

I was in the house of josh wilson and brad, it was an apartment I think, not sure. a [[dream place]]. not sure why I was there. but they had a small apple pie that was the size of a pot pie. I realized will jealousy that they were eating magic mushrooms. I asked josh to give me some, but he refused. I asked brad, and he refused. but eventually they shoved some pieces in this pie, and began sticking butter into it. I knew that the butter had thc in it in the dream. I had the slice in my hand, but needed to used the bathroom, so I walked down a hall and into another room which was more like a bedroom than a bathroom. I fumbled around trying to find the toilet, and eventually had to move stuff to uncover the toilet, which I used. I realized at some point that I had eaten the slice of pie. as I walked out of the room I passed a character that was joe lavarea, but he had heavy makeup on, and I didn’t interact with him. I believe the toilet was his room. I realized just before waking up that I was dreaming, and that I had to go to work, but still thought I had eaten the pie, and would have trouble working. there was definitely more detail of doing something with josh and brad before we were at their apartment, but I don’t recall clearly enough to write about. we were out at a restaurant or something.

interpretation

I was reading slack messages from nathan reporting in on his PR efforts in breeding, fairly late at night. I also ate some frosted wheat cereal that bbra had bought at the store for the kids, which made me feel like stupid asshole for eating it. I think this was showing me consequences for that, and the joe lavarea character was a way of showing me that I probably made a mess in his backyard. not sure about this interpretation. I don’t yet have a strong feeling. but I actually still feel like I was in a very deep sleep when I woke up, and haven’t fully returned to normal. perhaps I should revisit this a little later. 

a minute later: I was also reading about 3 ballot initiatives in missouri for medical cannabis, which may have influenced the dream

[[09-18-18]]

6:15pm

description

I had a short dream while napping on the couch. so short you could call it a vision. Bayer had purchased everyone in ex-monsanto a pair of cowboy boots. 

interpretation

Bayer has just started announcing their approach to benefits and performance evaluation, and it seems vaguely positive so far. Our team has also been making connections into the bayer computational life sciences group. 

[[09-12-18]]

6:45

description

I was with barbara and a group of other people that I do not recognize now. we were among huge crowds in germany. it seemed like everyone was dressed in red, yellow, and black for some festival or something. it was hard to get around due to massive crowds. barbara was trying to communicate with me, but I couldn’t understand her, and she was getting angry at me. I had a ticket stub in my pocket that was very important for something, but I lost it. we were separated for a while, or were about to be. at the end of it we were in the same place again, but still couldn’t talk over the crowd. she said something to me, that I knew was important for our situation, but I still couldn’t get it. she repeated it several times, and I still couldn’t get it. she was moving towards a checkpoint or something, so I grabbed onto her sleeve and started yelling something to the people, like “we want the embassy”, something that was really dramatic, but I was never let off the hook, and then my alarm went off.

there was another dream, earlier in the evening, that I was saying some word and tagging bbra. and I awoke after actually moving my arm over and touching bbra with it. I was awake enough to remember it. but I remember that I could recall the exact word then, but I no longer can. that is disappointing, as I would like to interpret it through the word.

interpretation

ash was having trouble sleeping last night, and when bbra left for tennis he was still struggling. she felt bad about leaving, and I was shocked at how much anxiety it caused her. she was worried that I wouldn’t go help him enough, and worried that she wouldn’t be able to enjoy tennis because of it. I was stern that I would take care of things in my way, which I thought right, and that she should just detach and go. I believe this dream was an outcome of that situation. ash was also up early, 5:45 or so, and bbra got up with him and put him back down and came back to bed. I do not remember these things happening directly, but I’m confident that I picked it up and incorporated it into the dream. 

[[06-10-18]]

middle of the night

description

I entered a smallish room with at least one other person. I was supposed to be speaking to this person/people on some topic, and I was prepared to do so, when the room suddenly went dark. I struggled to continue speaking, though it felt very strange and difficult. this sensation was a species of the dream slowness around speech that I’ve described before. in my dream I perceived bbra telling me “it’s ok, it’s ok”, and I stopped trying to speak. at this moment, I believe that I realized that I was dreaming, but was still asleep, and relaxed in my dream. I remember nothing after that point.

interpretation

the day before having this dream, we attended Kara’s graduation party at Maureen’s house. there was a conversation with Mikki, Bev, and a few others, which included some remarks about public speaking. they were all stridently opposed to ever speaking in front of groups. I don’t know exactly the source of this emotion in them, other than that they seem to have tried in the past and disliked it so much that they vowed to never try again. Bev recounted a story about some work retreat that required her to speak in front of a group of 40 coworkers, which she felt betrayed by the organizer who suggested before the event that she would not be asked to do any public speaking. I responded that all you need is deliberate practice and time, and it gets much easier. they didn’t exactly deny this suggestion, but it was never considered that they could do this. I suggested that you can’t wield power without being able to get in front of a group of people and speaking to them, so that they are willing to do your bidding. I believe that this conversation is what my mind was ruminating on when this dream occurred. I asked bbra whether or not she heard me, and she said she had to shake me and yell at me, as it sounded like I was starting to give a presentation. her description sounded like she was harsher than the “it’s ok” I perceived in my dream.

[[05-26-18]]

7:30am

description

I remember back to something terrible happening, and being forced to cross a long distance, up high, while sliding on my back in a closed in place, like a cave. the cross section was bell shaped, and i was inching along feet first. there was a similar passage along side and someone who was going with me on this journey was in there, someone was ahead of me a ways, and someone behind. we were all on the same journey. I stopped going forward for a second, I don’t remember why but there was a why in the dream. but immediately thereafter, my dog Zoey, who died in 2013, appeared from the direction of my feet ( from the destination end) and started joyfully grunting and licking my forearms. there was a strange lyric playing in my mind “come on and… _get that dog in a whistle show, a whistle show, a whistle show. get that dog in a whistle show, a whistle show, a whistle show”. she also was happy to see the person next to me. the words “come on and” were slower, winding up the song. I wept, and do not know if I actually made sounds in the room or not, but there was a weird sensation that I was struggling to make sounds while weeping, which in the past has correlated with actually making sounds in the bedroom. 

interpretation

the evening prior to the dream was spent out with barbara, celebrating our 5th anniversary. we went out to the central west end, to the Gamlin Whiskey house, and then to Brennans. while having a drink with dinner, barbara commented that it reminded her of being in our house on kenridge and watching star trek. she made a similar comment when we were at Brennans, about how that house served us well. I was happy that she thought that, was briefly reminded of zoey, who died in that house, and I didn’t carry the conversation on much further, as I didn’t want to bring her up and feel down during our evening. immediately after waking, I clearly remembered all I have written here, and though “zoey visited me in my dream”, and felt intense gratitude. 

[[05-06-18]]

description

sitting at a kitchen table with Ravil, working through phrases in german and russian. I became aware that the kitchen was in a house on a tiny island, that is the house took up the entire island so that out the windows the view was some rocks and then water. across the water a mile or so was the mainland, the island was in a bay. the water was busy with people on boats and craft of all kinds. there were prop-driven seaplanes buzzing around. one flew over the house pretty low, and caught my attention. then I saw one out the window which seemed to be lower than my current altitude. it approached the house and just barely pulled up to skim over the top of the house. I watched it through a window in the other side side of the house, and it rammed a sailboat in the hull it. there was no particular consequences of this. the waves started to kick up a lot higher, and one slammed into the window and looked like this ( https://youtu.be/o9waSshoWOc?t=75 )

interpretation

I watched a youtube video which described the origins of bulgaria, and the name of the volga bulgars going to the non-slavs who gave bulgaria its name but no longer live there. this reminded me of Ravil, which seems to be why he visited my dreams. as for the house in the bay, my best guess is that I have been thinking about the west coast of florida. even though I haven’t been on an island as described, I think this is the outcome of that rattling around in my head. dave mentioned that a specific chunk of early metal was produced in tampa, which reinforced the rattling a bit more. my first interpretation of the seaplanes and boats is that they fall into my subthalassonous archetype of plane/helicopter crashes. the house was an instance of the emergent place phenomenon.

description

I was looking for fossils along a vertical rock face, which had a descent amount of loose rock in it. the rocks were all brownish chert. I found a bunch of large crinoid osicles, some of them fell down the face, but I wasn’t concerned about this.

[[04-11-18]]

description

scuba diving, seeing myself, in the third person though, kept descending. while going down, was talking to dinara, who was helping me to remember how I could get ahold of people I met while I was in tyumen, names, ways I knew them, maybe I had their phone numbers. no fear, just kept going and deeper and eventually woke up. very engrossing visuals of the blue attenuated light. no details were visible in any direction, just formless blue. sharp visual memories of this dream

interpretation

I had just listened to the farnam street podcast about learning how to learn ( https://player.fm/series/the-knowledge-project-with-shane-parrish/learning-how-to-learn ), in which the guest, barbara oakley, talks about how a theory on learning called “[[chunking]]”, where when you sleep, knowledge in your short term memory is written into long term. she also used “learning russian” as an example of something that can be learned. I was struck by this combo, and I think the symbology of diving deep and using a voice from my memory to reconnect with lost experiences was how I logged this memory in my own thoughts 

[[11-01-17]]

this is not a dream, but thinking about dreams. as I go to sleep, many thoughts pass through my head, and I still feel as though I am the author of them, I am on top of them. but I woke up to the alarm ( which I believe kills dream recollection ), and I recalled that I had been dreaming. I was not able to recall what I was dreaming about though, and it occurred to me that the rambling thoughts I had before going to sleep were similar in character to what I woke up to. 

it is possible that dreams are the continuation of daytime thoughts, but you can’t quite stay on top of them, and you lose the sensation of being the author of those thoughts. in that sense, dreams are just your normal thoughts, but running around free, without your executive function to direct them, they evolve as they will on their own.

[[10-09-17]]

many difficult trials. sticks with nails to catch cows. slide through narrow basement passage with spiders. but I did each thing. 

description

I was in a place with many cows. they all had horns, and were wandering around. I was not afraid of them. there was a woman who held in her hands two sticks, each with a nail through the end of them. the sticks were 1" square profile. the nail on each stick was hammered through so the sharp end was sticking out, the woman was using the sticks to direct the cows. she would swing the sticks such that the sharp end of the nail landed in the horn of the cow, and she would then use the stick to man handle them into position for something, then pull the nail/stick out. 

there were many of these sticks lying on the ground with the nails facing up. I knew that I was expected to pick up sticks and help do this work as well, but I kept stumbling and stepping on the nails. finally I got one in each hand and went after a cow, but I ended up catching the cow’s ear between the nail and the horn, and this was considered a terrible mistake. 

interpretation

I was spending the night in Ankeny Iowa, before visiting the genotyping site there. I believe this dream was a symbolic lesson of how important it is to get the details right, and how unflinching I needed to be during the visit to pry deeper about details. the visit went well, and I am glad to have had the dream, I felt enriched the next day, like a piece of mythology was written just for me, to warn me against hubris.

[[09-17-17]]

how do you break dependencies?

description

I was in a fairly large room, with my parents and another character who was a politician. he looked like Mr.Dryden (Claude Rains), who sends lawrence of arabia on his quest, and I asked of him “how do you break dependencies? if someone holds belief A, and also belief B...” then I trailed off... he did not answer, and I felt as though the room looked down on me for asking, but they were probably disappointed that I couldn’t produce a fully formed question.

interpretation

I believe that I was trying to ask how to reframe people’s understanding. vance and I had a conversation that day about archetypes, where we hit upon the idea that simplistic ideas, like the hero and the villain, without the complexity of the anti-hero, mapped onto real life, can yield terrible results, it’s almost the perfect definition of evil. someone who wrongly views themselves as the hero of a story. I believe that the question I was asking was taken in the context of my conversation with vance, and that I am searching for the best way to change frames, break a cluster of self-supporting concepts, and allow a new frame, but that I don’t know where to begin yet. thinking still further, it seems reasonable that Mr Dryden is similar to Vance in this setting, and I am lawrence. I must go into the desert on a quest to figure this out.